#21 Story Session - How to feel less alone when perimenopause starts earlier than expected

This story session shares Cherie's story of going into perimenopause in her mid-30s, earlier than anyone was expecting. Cherie shares how she felt when her medical provider dismissed her concerns, and how she's had to expand her support circle to get the help she needed to cope with meno-rage and body changes, two common early symptoms of perimenopause.

Women who enter perimenopause before 40 often feel dismissed when they bring up the possibility of hormone changes related to perimenopause, and are more likely to go years before getting treatment.

Looking for help as you navigate perimenopause or menopause? Learn about how to work and learn with me here: https://linktr.ee/Jshuber.

📚 I wrote a book! Eat To Thrive During Menopause is out now!  Order your copy today and start thriving in midlife.

Transcript

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Jenn Huber  0:02  
Hi and welcome to the Midlife Feast the podcast for women who are hungry for more in this season of life. I'm your host, Dr. Jenn Salib Huber. Come to my table, listen and learn from me. Trusted guests, experts in women's health and interviews with women just like you. Each episode brings to the table juicy conversations designed to help you feast on midlife. Welcome to another story session. Story sessions are just not their stories where I talk to women who are in all different stages of midlife. 

And my guest this week is Cherie, who at 39 is in perimenopause. And it started a couple of years ago. And like me, she found it hard to not only realize that perimenopause was at the root of her, you know, mood changes and sleep changes and body changes, but also found it hard to connect with someone in the healthcare field who could help to not only confirm that that's what was going on. But just to give her some support and some direction. So listen in because I think that for many of us who went through this earlier than our peers, it can be isolating, but it can also be lonely. So tune in and listen to Sheree story. Okay, so welcome, Sheree, thank you so much for agreeing to share your story on the midlife feast, and add to our virtual community of women who are in midlife and just kind of talking about our experiences. So orienting us to where you are, kind of call it ages and stages in your midlife journey.

Cherie  1:52  
Well, I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I am entering into this stage because I know that's what we're going to talk about today. But it's a little earlier than I expected. I've been kind of joking that like, I'm 39. And I recently had to get reader glasses, and I finally figured out I'm in perimenopause. And yeah, everything's started happening sooner than I thought. I don't know if that's just like Time flies. And you don't realize, you know how old you actually are. I have those moments when I'm working with teen clients or college age students. And I'm like, I don't feel like I'm that far removed. But I actually

Jenn Huber  2:29  
I heard I read this statistic the other day, that blew my mind that 1970 which is a year before my husband is born like I'm a 77 baby, but 1970 is as far away from 1918 as it is from 2020 to

Cherie  2:47  
the hub. Okay, that's my life.

Jenn Huber  2:50  
I'm still haven't recovered from that, like I read that about 10 times. And it's yeah, I'm not recovered from it. But yeah, it feels like we shouldn't be, you know, hear yet like that. This is a stage that we don't associate with ourselves. And so at 39 You're on the earlier side for perimenopause as I was as well. And it can feel isolating because I know that when I went into perimenopause at 37 Some of my friends were just getting their family started, you know, and it felt like there was a really big generation gap, even though we were the same age. Is that something that you felt as well? Or feel?

Cherie  3:31  
Oh, for sure. Yeah, I can definitely relate to that. And I mean, I'm, I have a three year old daughter, almost three, I'm going on 13. But yeah, it feels like he you know, I mean, I did have kids, kids a little later, but yeah, it it was not on my radar. And so it took me a while to even figure out what was going on. So

Jenn Huber  3:52  
tell us about kind of what happened that led you down that road of is this perimenopause.

Cherie  3:59  
Yeah. So it started when I was 38. I would say that whole year, I just started having symptoms that I didn't pieced together. So looking back now, I realized my cycles, were starting to get irregular. I was starting to have hot flashes. They were only at night though. So I really kept just thinking oh, I'm just waking up hot. Like, I need to turn on the AC at night or something. And my mood started to change. I've always been vulnerable to anxiety and depression. But it was definitely a change and that it it got worse and I struggled more with anxiety that year than I probably ever had before. And also and this is kind of embarrassing to talk about but just my anger, so much anger that sometimes I like felt like I didn't even recognize myself and I'm not sure exactly how I stumbled on Oh, I'm in perimenopause. 

I think I just, you know, went to Dr. Google. It was like googling different things, and was like, Oh, my gosh, I think this is what is happening to me. Which was, you know, as I said, I wasn't on my radar. I felt too young for that to be happening. But it was, it was still a relief, to at least kind of have some answers about like, Okay, I think this is what's happening. Okay, now, where do I go?

Jenn Huber  5:26  
Were you having cycle changes at that point?

Cherie  5:30  
Yeah, yes, yes. So my period had been like clockwork up until then. So I wasn't missing any cycles, but I was, they were definitely getting erratic, they would be really early, sometimes much later, right. Like, I have the little app on my phone that I track things on. And it's like, before that it was like, always on the diet, it was always spot on. And it was like, Oh, now who knows, gotta be prepared for the

Jenn Huber  5:57  
lucky that you had some of those cycle changes happening alongside those changes in the experience of, you know, how you live in your body and in your mind and in your life, because for a lot of women, in the very early stages of perimenopause, it's not a recognized, officially recognized stage, until you start to experience cycle changes of at least seven days. But we know that likely there are changes happening below the surface, especially with progesterone, for example, and estrogen, that can really change our mood, how we cope, how we react to things. And just in general, kind of everything starts to shift. But often, like you notice, just in the days leading up to a cycle, it's like there's this perfect storm that happens every few days. 

And you know, what I find? What I hear is most challenging, and I know what was my experience as well was that they it wasn't happening reliably or predictably enough to really communicate it until it had been going on for, you know, a year or more. And then it's like, you piece together the pieces. And so I think that you know, that experience is isolating on its own, regardless of when it's happening. But when you're also at an age and stage with a young child, where it's not on anyone's radar, it's hard, I think, to kind of find help in that regard. So did you talk to anyone? Did you try and get someone to help you, you know, determine is this perimenopause or something else?

Cherie  7:31  
I did when I finally came to the realization that that may be what's happening because I didn't even know perimenopause was a thing. I didn't know there was like this, like pre menopause stage. I needed a new OBGYN. So I found a lady that had been recommended. I, you know, did my research on her. She was reviewed while on mine. So I was really excited to go see her. And actually, she was really hard to get into. So I had to wait a couple of months before I could get an appointment. And unfortunately, it was a pretty disappointing experience. You know, when she asked me, you know why I was coming in? I said, I think I'm in perimenopause. And she just said, no, no, you couldn't be you're too young. And I was just, I mean, it took me aback. It took me a minute to even respond and like, kind of advocate for myself in my mind of like, you're not crazy. 

Don't let this woman make you feel crazy. You know what you've been going through. So I said, you know, I really think I am and my mom went into menopause like full blown menopause really early, like, like early mid 40s. And she said, Oh, okay, well, then, yeah, that's probably what it is. And then we just moved on to like, all the normal appointments stuff. And I by that point, I was just so rocked, and so uncomfortable that I didn't want to really talk to her about it anymore. But I was disappointed because I was looking for one, just somebody to talk to about it that would understand because I don't know, I mean, no, none of my friends are going through this right now. 

Right? I mean, I can talk to my mom. Like it's been a while for, you know, talk to somebody that would understand and would be able to give me some advice about maybe what I could do to help with my symptoms, those kinds of things, just a dialogue from somebody that would be understanding and compassionate. And that's unfortunately not what I

Jenn Huber  9:31  
do. So let's go back to your mum for a second though, because so your you know, mother's age at menopause is the best barometer that we have for when a woman will enter perimenopause or menopause, but it's not perfect. It's kind of give or take a few years, and there are many other factors that can come into play. Did you know this about your mom prior to or was this something that you discovered when you started looking for answers?

Cherie  10:00  
I didn't know that she went into menopause. That's something we've always talked about. My mom and I are very open. We talk about everything, maybe too much. So I knew that but like I said, I didn't know perimenopause was even a stage. So even knowing that she went into it that early, it still felt at least several years away for me. Yeah. And

Jenn Huber  10:20  
then it's really about the pre stage. Because one of the things that, you know, when I'm when I'm working with women, I will often say, Well, do you know how old your mom was when she went into menopause? And often the answer is no, for a couple of different reasons. One, it just wasn't talked about, right. But the other thing is that, and I'm, you know, a few years older than you. But a lot of the women from our mother's generation were part of that hysterectomy generation, that as soon as they started to experience heavy periods in their late 30s, if they were done having kids, they were offered a hysterectomy. And MIT at the time, in the 80s and early 90s. That was a complete hysterectomy. 

They weren't preserving the ovaries. So a lot of people and I mean, a lot of people, their mothers went into surgical menopause under 40. And so they don't have any idea of when they would have gone into menopause, on the room. So, you know, I think it's such an important conversation to have with your mother, if you still are able to if they're still you know, she's still with us. And or if you don't have a mother, that you can ask aunts, sisters, just kind of getting that, you know, later reproductive history, we often talk about how old was so and so when they got their period? Or did they have any difficulty having kids? Or is there anything kind of genetically that we should know better on childbirth? But why are we talking about the experiences in menopause? 

You know, because that's 10 years, perimenopause is 10 years of our life. How can we not be talking about this at the dinner table? Yeah, so I think it's great. But you're you know, you're right. Like it because your mom went into menopause early. That is likely your fate as well, and seems to be the case for you. So you were dismissed, and then it felt like what was next? Like? How did you go? How did you process that information of having it confirmed, but not really in an empowering or helpful way? And just kind of left to sort it out? What What have you done to just try and ease into that this experience of perimenopause and what's helped? Yeah,

Cherie  12:29  
I mean, to be honest, I think I'm still figuring that out. I mean, I've done some research online. And there's a lady in my Bible study group who's, like, 10 years older than me. And she's actually the one that pointed out I needed glasses when I couldn't see, when we were reading stuff, what night she was, like, here, I tried my glasses. And I thought, okay, she's, like, artificially taking me under her wing. That's like, helping me navigate this, like aging thing. So I, I just, you know, I mentioned that I had had this experience. And she was like, 

Oh, I totally understand, you know, it's like, I've chatted with her a little bit, which has been nice. But again, it's like, she's in such a different life stage. She's older, and she had kids younger. So like, even though she's only 10 years older, her, her kids already, like graduated at left home. She's an empty nester, um, you know, so it's still nice to have somebody but feels like a different life stage. It, it was, so what I'm looking for, I feel like it emphasizes the fact that I'm going through this so early. Yeah. And

Jenn Huber  13:36  
it does. And I think that early experience as well, not just means that, you know, you may not be able to get the care that you're looking for, you know, easily or promptly and that you don't have friends to talk to you about it. But I think that for a lot of women, it's also the reason why they fall through the cracks. Because it's not on anyone's radar, you know, and so unless you have someone looking out for you, you know, like your friend who can say, oh, you know, this could be this or you know, you should talk to someone about that. I think that it just doesn't cross people's minds. 

I mean, there's been some interesting survey data, looking at women who go into perimenopause, and consistently 50% of them are surprised when they're in perimenopause. And I really just see that as such a failure of public health of, you know, just kind of our society at large because we would never accept that for pregnancy. If 50% of women who became pregnant were surprised that they were pregnant. We would call it a failure on every level. Right? And so, you know, when women enter the stage, and they don't know what to expect, and they're not you know, you're not given a handbook when you turn 40 saying this is you know, what to expect when you're not expecting perimenopause. 

You know, I think for a lot of women, it does surprise them and until it's really obvious, so you're having hot flashes or you know, you're having those kinds of stereotypical symptoms. Yeah, I think a lot of women slip through the cracks, especially when they're having that early experience. So, and that's not right, we need to do better. I think the conversations that we're having, I mean, you know, not just you and I, I mean, like in the greater we, as you know, as women who are trying to make sure that this conversation is happening on every level in every venue, and you know, in different ages and stages, so that we not only normalize it, but then it just becomes part of the conversation that we have about ourselves, and that it's not a surprise for anyone. What advice would you give the daughter? What do you think you'll tell her about? perimenopause and midlife?

Cherie  15:45  
Yeah, I mean, I would like to build on kind of the relationship that my mom and I had, where we were very open and talked about all kinds of things. You know, from a very early age, I felt very comfortable talking to my mom and asking questions. I love now that I'm a mom, I'm like, remember, you, you know such and such. And you took that very well, although I bet on the inside you were freaking out. However I like is that I didn't know that perimenopause was even a stage. So I would definitely talk to her about expecting that and being on the lookout for that. And what that's like, for me, the biggest thing, in addition to the cycle changes, the hot flashes. I also had some I had weight gain. But the really the mental health piece has been the most challenging for me. And maybe that's just because I'm a therapist. 

And so that's on my radar, but you know, it, that is the piece that has been the most challenging. And so I did get on an antidepressant, I just want to share that, to normalize that and so much stigma with medication, and it has made a huge difference for me. Absolutely. You know, it's it's created more body changes. So I think, you know, also navigating, like the fact that your body is changing, right? And I've had moments where I'm like, I don't recognize my body, not just because of the way it looks, that how it feels at times how I'm experiencing it. And just normalizing that, hey, in this stage, we may kind of have to relearn. Yeah, what it means to live in this body. And, you know, yeah,

Jenn Huber  17:20  
we need to normalize body changing in every size and age, right? I mean, it's not just in perimenopause, it's that bodies are meant to change. We're not meant to be one size, one weight, one number for the rest of our life. Yeah, I think that's such, that's key. I think it's key to getting into that mindset that will give them resiliency and flexibility throughout their whole life, to be able to roll with the punches. But you know, the mental health conversation I think is so, so relevant after two years of a pandemic, as well, like, you know, where there's this whole group of women who went into, you know, perimenopause, menopause, or another stage of midlife, on top of a pandemic, on top of all of the parenting stressors that have come with that, you know, the, the untold and unpaid work of women, through the pandemic is, I think, such a variable that, that, that just magnifies everything. I mean, that's the thing about, you know, midlife, like we talked about mental rage and things like that those experiences happen on a good day. 

And so when you have a life day, a bad day, whatever you want to call it, they just get magnified. It's like they're put under this microscope, and they're just completely magnified, and they feel consume it. And then as parents you feel really guilty, or a partner, or whatever you are, whatever role you have, because it's just another thing that you feel has changed, that you don't have control over that. It's something that's being done to you. And that's, I think the part that we don't recognize about ourselves, and that we're not talking about enough because I've had women weep when they realize that it's not just their own experience that this whole mental rage thing. And I know not everyone loves that word. I you know, I think that there's a lot of connotations to it that I'm going to explore on this podcast with other people. But I think that giving it a name is actually empowering for at least it was for me that it had a name, that it was a relatable experience and that I could actually find not just community but support by describing it. 

And you know, I think that's that's true for all aspects of mental health is the more we normalize it the more we talk about it, the more we describe our experiences, the less isolating it is so thank you for sharing that too. So of course, um, you know, I hope that the next part of your ages and stages and journey through perimenopause is is more supported. And I hope that you can enjoy some of the amazing benefits. I think of being in midlife and the confidence and just, you know, creativity that comes back. And it just many women find it a really empowering experience as well. So I wish that for you, with all of my might. And thank you so much for sharing this. So Cherie, I asked everyone at the end of the podcast, what do you think is the missing ingredient in midlife? I'd love to hear your answer.

Cherie  20:39  
Yeah, I would say an appreciation for the stage. You know, even with all its challenges, kind of tagging on to what you were saying about, we tend to think of this as being a really negative thing, or that even getting older is a bad thing. I mean, in our culture, aging is not a positive thing, especially for women. Right? So just kind of reframing that and even while we're maybe able to be honest and be sad and grieve the loss of things as we leave things behind, also find joy and hope and appreciation for the stage that we're in and that we're moving into, because I think there are really wonderful things about being in this midlife stage. There are yes, part of me is like, Oh, I wish I had the energy. I have 20 But like, gosh, you couldn't pay me a million dollars to go back and be my 20 year old. So

Jenn Huber  21:37  
either I say that all the time. Yeah, you couldn't pay me and I know when I try and tell my kids when they're going through, you know, teen and tween drama, just that, you know, I promise you won't care about this. Just trust me, just trust me, you know, but it's so but I remember also being at that age and stage and realizing how big those things were. So yeah, I love that appreciation. That's that's a great, great word to take into midlife. Thank you so much for being on the midlife feast. I know that sharing your story will help many other women who may have also been in this early perimenopause experience or, you know, feel like they have been left adrift to sort things out on their own. Thanks again.

Cherie  22:24  
Of course, thanks for having me.

Jenn Huber  22:27  
Thanks for tuning in to this episode of the midlife feast. If you're looking for help with menopause nutrition or just want to figure out how to make peace with food on midlife. Check the show notes so you can learn about how to work with me and sign up for one of my group programs. And just a reminder that beyond the scale, my most popular group program will be starting up again in May and registration opens mid March. So make sure to get on the waiting list if you'd like to be the first to hear about it.