#82 - Story Session: From Panic to Peace: Melissa's Food Freedom Journey

When I did an open call in our Midlife Feast Community for anyone who was willing to do a story session, I was thrilled when long-time member Melissa jumped at the chance to share her story. She shares how she has transitioned from lifetime member of Weight Watchers and all the tracking, measuring, and counting that came with it, to enjoying the freedom of being an intuitive eater.

Melissa also shares her hard-earned wisdom of why we can’t rush the process of un-dieting and why it requires practicing self-compassion at every step. She shares why how she can enjoy a whole piece of cake (instead of 4 bites for 4 points) and she shares the sheer delight she finds in indulging in real coffee creamer each morning.

Links Mentioned:
Midlife Un-dieting Mini-Series
Day 1 Day 2 Day 3 Day 4 Day 5

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Background and Introduction of Melissa, Midlife Feast Community Member

Jenn Salib Huber 0:00
Hi, and welcome to the midlife feast, the podcast for women who are hungry for more in this season of life. I'm your host, Dr. Jenn Salib Huber. I'm an intuitive eating dietitian and naturopathic doctor, and I help women manage menopause with old dieting and food rolls. Come to my table. Listen and learn from me. Trusted guest experts in women's health and interviews with women just like you. Each episode brings to the table juicy conversations designed to help you feast on midlife. And if you're looking for more information about menopause, nutrition and intuitive eating, check out the midlife beasts community my monthly membership that combines my no nonsense approach that you all love to nutrition with community so that you can learn from me and others who can relate to the cheers and challenges of midlife. Hi, Melissa, welcome to the midlife feast. Hey,

Melissa 0:55
I can't believe Dan Guerlain just have to say it.

Jenn Salib Huber 0:58
So I was so excited when I put the call out in our community for anyone who wanted to come on the podcast and share a story as part of a story session that you were one of the people who responded. And I think there were so many things that we could talk about, I had a list and I think you have a list. But I love that what we landed on is about on dieting and body image.

Because we often think about like on dieting, and learning intuitive eating for all kinds of other reasons. But often, I think it's hard for people to see that one of the benefits of stepping out of diet culture is actually feeling better about your body, even if your body doesn't get smaller. So we're going to dive into that in a sec. But why don't you just orient our audience to where you are in this midlife journey?

Melissa's Experience with Dieting and Body Image 

Melissa 1:46
Okay, well, as Jen said, I'm Melissa. I'm a middle Tennessee and born and bred. And I am at age 56, just turned a couple months ago, and am still Peri menopausal. As of this recording, I'm on day 125 With no and flow for you listeners who know who she is. So I'm not I'm not convinced that this is it. But you know, I'll take the lesser as I can get it. And that's okay. I've been in the intuitive eating world, about two years now a little bit before I found Jan, I kind of found Jim because of it. Thank God for Instagram. And then thank God for this podcast. Because it's been a sanity builder all the time with reinforcement, and I highly recommend to everybody and anybody that wants to have some sanity in their life at this stage. And just, you know, kind of got into it after right after COVID.

Actually, it was in 21. Because you're in COVID. Of course, like everyone, I baked bread and sweets. And of course, the scale went up a little bit. And I was still at that time. Kind of dedicated to weigh myself regularly. And then I don't know it just I just reached a point and maybe it was the perimenopause and the I'm just can't do it anymore. I just reached out and like this is like I gotta tap, I just can't I can't live this way anymore. And no one that I'm about to was being at that time heading to the mid 50s. It was before 55. But I was just like, I just can't live this way the rest of my life. I've spent 50. Now 56 years aren't well not quite focused on always wanting to change my body. Be a obsessive person about what goes into my mouth, and it just wasn't working mentally, physically, all the above. So you know, I just kind of found a little freedom here with exhale, and you know, it's okay. And I think if I could tell anybody, it's okay. That's what I want them to know. We can come to the other side, be who you are and your body being the moment in your body and it's okay.

Melissa's Relatable and Complicated Relationship with Dieting

Jenn Salib Huber 4:05
Yeah. Oh, that's such a good reminder. Because I think we all fear not being okay. Right? Even when what we're doing doesn't feel okay. Counting, measuring, tracking, obsessing, worrying thinking about food all the time. Like that doesn't feel okay. And yet not doing that brings on this whole other kind of, you know, bag of errors,

Melissa 4:26
pain. It is a it's a sheer panic. So what's because you're so ingrained, yeah.

Jenn Salib Huber 4:32
So what kind of what's your story with dieting? When do you first remember, you know, going down that diet road?

Melissa  4:40
Oh, this is a this is a wonderful slippery slope of have started at a young tender age of about 12. I do remember though, I'll tell this little story. So when I was seven, we went to a fair that had brides and one of the rides was a little boat ride, and you had to be under a certain way. To ride the ride, while I was always on the heavier side, it's a genetic thing. My family, we all are just a little bit bigger people. And I remember so proudly telling the operator that I weighed 70 pounds. And I didn't know that that was oh my gosh, she's seven, and she weighs 70 pounds reaction. Luckily, the limit was 100.

So I got to ride the boat, and I got to ring the bell. And it was a lot of fun. But I remember that very vividly. And it used to just bring me to tears thinking about it. But now it kind of is a little bit more liberating, like, that's that young girl who didn't know what that meant other than a number and I can ride a ride. So I remember that so vividly. But the sheer thing of actually being on a diet that I remember the most was about 12. My mother had found out at the time that she had thyroid condition that she had an underactive thyroid, and she was convinced that was my problem. But did she take me to talk to her? No, her friend told her about kelp pills, and kelp has iodine. And so I was on the iodine pill. And that kind of started it. And then through the years, just ever since that age, until the last couple of years, I have been in some mode or some fashion, pretty much you could throw a pin the tail on the diet, and Melissa has participated in it. But my biggest time of plan that I stayed on the most of my life was WW Weight Watchers. And I have some happy memories at those places.

Actually, you know, I made some friends, we all had it in common, like you say it was all an organism organized way of eating and doing and tracking and being and thinking and it's not the worst of times. But do I have some regret of all the time I spent in that mode? Yes, a little. But do I also think of it a little bit on the positive just because of that community? Luckily, now I have a different community, which is awesome. So but you know, when I just look back, it's just it's it's bittersweet. It's really bittersweet.

Body Image, Self-Acceptance, and Fitting Into the Jeans

Jenn Salib Huber 7:16
I think the community part is one of the valuable things that often comes out of programs like this. And you know, the saying that you don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater, right? Like sometimes people will say, Oh, you know, I still have a handful of recipes that I still really enjoy and love to make, is it okay, if I make them because they're part of this plan. And it's like, if you're eating them, because you enjoy them, they're adequate, they work for your family, or whoever else you have to cook for. And you know, they're nourishing and nutritious in every possible way, that it's just a recipe that you like, it doesn't have to be attached to that program, right.

And so I think that when we look at what worked well, with our first second or third diet, or whatever it was, I think sometimes it's helpful to say, You know what, I'm going to take something positive from that and carry it forward, I'm just going to leave all the crap behind. But the entry into weightwatchers, at 12, I still can't call it WW, the entry into that program, you know, at a young age is is definitely going to be familiar, because I would say that hands down. That is how at least half of the stories of the people that I talk to you start with I went on my first diet at 12. That was certainly my story too. And it's often you know, Weight Watchers, because it was it was maybe still is the the most accessible for people because it's everywhere.

Melissa 8:37
It is, yeah, it is everywhere.

Jenn Salib Huber 8:41
And when we think about the diet cycle, which is that, you know, predictable series of events. Initially, when you're responding to that uncomfortable feeling in your body or the desire to lose weight by doing something even though that something is a diet, it does feel good. Initially, it does feel empowering. And as you learn new information, some of which can still be usable, like it's still helpful to know foods that are high in fiber or protein like it's still that still is is reasonable information to carry with you. But it's just the constant control and under eating that ultimately leads to any diets demise, right? It's that like, we can't control every every bite for forever. We just can't.

Melissa 9:23
Oh, I have another really fun sort of fun story to share on that as well. I got in the middle of the last. The last horizon of white waters for me was in let's see, I believe it was in the early 2010s whatever the kids call it these days, but in that timeframe, I had got invited to a wedding and was in the middle of the program. And I remember talking to my leader at the time, that sweet tooth is a thing in my family for sure. And probably most people have some form of sweet that they Enjoy. But wedding cake, just plain Jane wedding cake is just one of my faves, just vanilla cake and the plain night but a group is in an hour zone. So I remember talking to my leader about how am I gonna count the points at the wedding now was I thinking about how excited I was it was my son's first time being a best man, his his best friend was getting married, and I was a proud mama.

And I had this new dress and I just you know, was just filling in everything. But the whole time it's a wedding. I'm going, how many points is coming? Okay, so So the tip of advice I got was one bite with one point. So when I go to get my slice a cake, I'm like, Okay, how many points? I mean, like, it's just the whole time I'm focusing on this cake. And so I had six bites for six points, I counted it, I can remember it to this day. So when I hit you know, and but now I look back, and I'm just laughing my head in my head about that, you know, like, why don't you just eat thing cake and enjoy the day and event being there in that time.

And you know, it's just, but yeah, so I just, there are so many things that I agree with you on that are good references that I keep to this day about foods with fiber and foods with protein. And there are some recipes that I still make, because I enjoy them. And they're pretty good. I mean, they're, I don't think of it as a restriction. It's just a good recipe. Yeah,

Jenn Salib Huber 11:24
exactly. Yeah, I think that that 1.1 Bite thing definitely, is something I've heard before. So I'm sure that others have as well. But you know, talking about food, joy, you know, the way that you described, you know how much he loved playing Jane wedding cake, and it's what you look forward to. But we one of the things that I love so much about Intuitive

Eating is that it acknowledges that sometimes we eat things and one things just because they taste good. And that's okay. Right. And when we have food that we love, you know, we need to be able to have that unconditional permission not only to eat it, but to not feel guilty about eating it. Like it, you know, food isn't something that we have to earn. It's something that we need to have every day. So. So like many people, I think the that initial desire for weight loss is often coming from a number of places.

But I would say that, especially when we're younger, before, you know, health concerns, and conversations are coming into the picture. It's really about changing what our body looks like, at least for most people. Would you agree with that? Was that your experience too?

Making Peace with Her Body

Melissa 12:32
Oh, absolutely. Definitely, um, when, in the teenage years starting that diet, and that was right at puberty starting. And it's so funny how I've learned now being older that that it's definitely something that's missed in the education world to understand that gaining some weight at puberty is normal for boys and girls. Yes, it's not segregated to either sex and and it's normal that you have that because what your body's about to go through, as well as it's normal to have maybe the middle happen in your later years, because your body's trying to give you the estrogen naturally that it knows that that's dipping.

So it's been such an education process for me and I am a little kind of a self help geek about my Physician, heal Thyself. Melissa's web MDPE PhD process, but but when I look back at, you know, the, the time of wanting to change my body, it started about that age because I was more rounder, just all over and then I've got taller, and I got curvier and then you know everything started happening, but for sure, it's always more so I mean, yes, later in life, health things, health concerns in the conversation about if you lose some weight XYZ might get better definitely happen. But in those teenage years, it was about fitting into what at the time I thought was the norm. You know, there were several people in my growing up years and friends that never had any weight issues. Were just little pencils and didn't have much shapes at all.

And then there was maybe just a little handful of us that did and we were always in that little clique. We were the ones that would skip lunch in high school because we thought that was good. Maybe drink a diet soda of some sort. And that was lunch, but then we would all come home and write the cupboard and eat until dinnertime because we were starving to death because we had neglected to eat. So it was just so so vicious, but that body image for sure is a thing and I was remembering the other day there was this conversation about blue jeans and I will say I think blue jeans is like one of the hardest things mid lifers that I've seen. We all kind of chat about man blue jeans, just steak.

We don't like them. We were trying to figure out which one's the one and it's like the golden slip are golden ticket or whatever. But I was remembering about the body image and in preparation for being on the podcast today I was thinking about the time that I had this pair of blue jeans. And I wanted them to fit so bad I laid on the bed and used a wire hanger y'all this is back in the wire hanger day.

So I definitely dating myself and used a wire hanger to zip them up and got him up stood up, couldn't breathe hardly but but the funny part is now look back back then it was sad enough, I probably cried about it. But now looking back, that muffin top just spilled out all over the top of him jeans. And it did not look to come in. But because I got them zipped. I thought that was the thing. You know, they fit they worked and no, they did not work.

But it's so funny looking back and reflecting. And now of course never make those mistakes again, you know, you learn from the past, but that but that I just remember that. And so in luckily, it was the 80s and big long tops were in so I kind of hold behind it. But shoulder pads and big long tops were kind of a thing, you know, the, like long shirt button up shirt thing. But But yeah, I just will never forget that. So yeah, body image and, and it just was always a thing. And even in my family, we have a pet name for it. I'm not gonna give the official full name to protect the innocent, like my cousin's that might go what are you talking about Lady but we affectionately it's known as the spread.

And it is our lower pelvic area, the infamous FUPA and hips. And it is a family thing. There are many generations of women that have had it and that have it now and then are rocking it and going on with it. But I think that always put pressure because even at social family occasions, that was the well, you know, the spread, and she's hanging out today, you know, or whatever. And now I just I kind of think of it more as an affection thing and not a oh my gosh, thank you. But But man that took some work because I can still sometimes, even to this day, look at a picture and get triggered a little bit, but it's getting easier. And if I want anybody to know it, I think it can get easier. And you just got to work on it and with your body image. And also, when you get to the 50s especially well, even the 40s Some women are live right, but I don't know what it is about turning in the 50s.

You just it just there's a switch that just flips and I just don't care what people think I look like you know, if I'm happy with it, that's that's I'm number one. That's what matters. And if I have anything to share your number one and do it, what matters to you. And if you like the look of it, go with it. I wear some things. And I know some people go I can't believe she's wearing that. But I don't care because I like it. So

Jenn Salib Huber 17:55
that is one of the gifts of midlife. Absolutely. I tell my teenage daughters that all the time. I'm like, I know you don't believe me. But in 30 or 40 years, you won't care. And it's just so

Melissa 18:06
I know, like I got really, really, oh my 30 year old, like, Honey, you know, come out 20 more years, you're just gonna be so rockin it.

Jenn Salib Huber 18:15
But so I remember, you know, that, that realization of like, this is like my family thing, right. And that, you know, this is kind of a genetic programming was a big part of like making peace with you know, not just your relationship with food, but with your body. And I think that a lot of people feel that as they go into an undying or intuitive eating journey, that they just have to accept that they will never be okay with a part of themselves.

And I think your story and others really illustrates that, you know, sometimes when you make peace with food, and you're no longer using food to try and change what your body looks like, or only change what your body looks like, it's much easier to be okay, in the body that you have today. Even if it doesn't change, it never changes again. You know, and I think it's hard for people, but it's so true if you've lived through it.

The Philosophy of Body Neutrality and Self-Esteem

Jenn Salib Huber 20:09
Yeah, and that's the body neutrality philosophy that we don't actually have to like, or love any body part, to still be kind and like ourselves, right. And so when we start to uncouple, our body image from our self esteem, it's just a lot more comfortable. And it just feels safer to exist in this world. Because not everything is tied to do I like my body today. Because your body, we can't always control what it looks like. I've had three kids, two pregnancies, two C sections, one of those pregnancies was a twin pregnancy that I measured 56 centimeters on the day they were born, anybody who is used to kind of having their, their belly measured as part of, you know, pregnancy knows that that is about 16 centimeters bigger than a single pregnancy.

So it was absolutely, I mean, huge, there is no way that my belly could ever without major surgical intervention ever look the way it did before. You know, and my scar is ugly, because it got an infection after and like, but that's, that's okay. Like, I don't have to love that to still feel okay in my body or to still treat my body with kindness and respect, right.

Celebrating Your Body For What it Can Do

Melissa 21:24
And that miraculous body gave me those three children. So I think if we can kind of remember what this body does for us, you know, it's not just, you know, it's not just a place over, it's doing a lot for you know, yeah, you've earned it, you've earned it, you know, you've earned the little swag or the the scar or whatever, you know.

Jenn Salib Huber 21:46
So, maybe share what some of the unexpected wins were from moving away and stepping out of diet culture, and into a more, you know, kind of anti diet, intuitive eating space. What were some of the things that you learned along the way that were unexpected or surprised you?

Liberating Taste Buds and Discovering Real Ingredients

Melissa 22:10
Well, I don't know if this the first thing I am. I may love a good cup of coffee. I am kind of shifting a little bit. I'm not getting crazy with coffee during this wonderful perimenopause, I'm finding some things I've kind of switched to half caf, just to have a little bit of caffeine. But it's more about the warm drink I've decided. So if I can figure out under another one. But one of the things about intuitive eating and dieting, I like to use creamer.

And I used to use basically a version of motor oil. If you look at the ingredients, it was not good for you. It was sugar free all the artificial ingredients known to mankind. And I look back now and I'm like, What are you putting your body because of course in the WWE World, you know, counting those points and boy, you could get three tablespoons of creamer. If you like it a little shade of tan, I like non light, light tan and you know, sweet. It made a big difference in that world. Because that would be one point I could have my good cup of coffee that I loved even though I might not have loved the taste necessarily as much or whatever. Because it was so artificial.

Well, first thing and intuitive eating. I worked with a counselor and I was discussing what am I going to do about CREAMER And because I still want that hot beverage with tea, coffee, whatever. And she said well, why not go get some creamer that's made out of real ingredients. And that struck me like a lightning bolt. I said wait a minute, you mean real milk and sugar? And she's like, Yeah, what you know why not? So I went down this path of creamer like it was just became comical in my family about how many containers of creamer were in the fridge. And it just it just was an and also, I wasn't getting out measuring spoons. So I could just pour it to that shade that I liked. And even wasn't even so much about is it sweet enough? It's just I don't know why but it has to be a certain shade. It's a it's a personal check.

Yeah, I don't know why. And I just, it was so liberating about that morning drink, but to be able to have the real cream or So now, as a fluke. I did a grocery pickup recently and they were out of the one I use and they substituted a version that wasn't sugar free but was the chemical version.

And I tried it I could not drink it. I was like this is the nastiest thing I've ever tasted in my life. And so now I have been on real milk and cream type creamers now for three years so you know going on three years and so I guess my taste buds and that's another thing as you age your taste buds, but that was the biggie but for me It was it was liberated to have real cream and sugar and coffee and not feel guilty and not worry about the points or whatever, but and then I found two, it's one of those amazing things that I think you learn when you figure out the intuitive eating or not, you know, obsessive dieting is how good maybe some, quote important disease good for you.

I know there's not good or bad, but for this analogy, the good for you things tastes better and you want them more it's because you don't have to worry about restricting or, or, or anything, so you're obsessing about those, quote restrictive foods, and you're not thinking about the foods that you know would have been okay, and the plan is much and then when you get out of that cycle, that's what you want.

You want the fresh vegetables or you want that nice in season, juicy apple and you can eat the whole thing. or heaven forbid you eat a whole banana. Because you know, in the old days, you'll need half and then it got all brand the other half got brand like we were wasting food, right? Because

Jenn Salib Huber 26:04
what actually eat half a banana? Like, used to, but I just been like terrified by half a banana. No,

The Importance of Living in the Moment in Midlife

Melissa 26:14
I mean, how was the packaging for banana is one serving? Exactly. Nature's one serving y'all. That's nature's one survey. So I think that it was stuff like that, that just you know, it's just amazing to me now. I can go to an event, or like I haven't been to a wedding in a while I'm looking forward to one of these days going back having that cake with no no harm, no foul, but it's just now I can just be myself with the food.

And just example I had some dinner last night I got full I didn't finish the portion I portioned out my husband's like, you're not gonna eat the rest of them. Like no, I'm full. And before I would have gorged myself, because I was you know, obsessed about not eating, you know, enough or whatever. And it's just so liberating to go, if I'm full, I'm full. And it's okay. And I can put it up for later or I might not eat it or whatever. Or you can have, you know, you can have second husband or something.

And it's just so that was to me, the biggie, I think he kind of a long way around saying that it just this is just so refreshing not to be obsessed about it anymore. And to go with what, leave with satisfaction and go from there, right?

Jenn Salib Huber 27:28
Leading with satisfaction, you just can't go wrong. Because once you say yes to what you want, you're immediately in a place where it's so much easier to add the things in that maybe you need, right? Because gentle nutrition. Everyone thinks that like Intuitive Eating is just not dieting.

But Intuitive Eating includes gentle nutrition, which is finding that sweet spot between what you want and what you need. But you have to be approaching it from a place of permission and not restriction. And that's the only way to have that that peaceful relationship that you've just described. Right? Oh, my goodness, Melissa, this has been so helpful.

And what would you say to someone if they were thinking, thinking about intuitive eating, but they're too they're too afraid. Maybe they've had the quote unquote, success that you've had with, you know, other programs, and they're just afraid to kind of not do that. What's one piece of advice you would give them?

Melissa 28:19
Well, I would say don't give up because I will tell you, I kicked and screamed my way into my to invading counseling. My sweet counselor, there were some days I know, she got off calls with me and go, This lady is hopeless, because I would just be fighting, I was fighting the system. And I was just fighting what I knew. And it was a lot of onion layers to peel back for me because of all those years of dieting. So I would just say don't give up, don't and hang in there.

And don't rush to the general nutrition chapter. Because you're skipping the important bits if you do because I sort of admit to doing that myself. And it didn't really help me in the long run. Because you really need to go through all of it to get to the end and be at a place where it's it all sinks in and it all is maybe something that you can put into effect a little more easily and there are days there are days still that there might not be a fleeting moment that still comes up but I look back at 50 plus years of this life and this lifestyle and, and go that's okay, too. And I know how to rein that in.

But I think my biggest advice just don't give up on it. If you really want to give it a go. Try and be patient with yourself because it's a journey. And I know that's a cliche word, but it really is you have to find the right path down the road and it's there. You just got to give it some time and some patients. The the GPS is constantly redirecting,

Jenn Salib Huber 29:49
recalculate recalculating. Yeah, and I echo that 100% There's even an entire episode on why you can't rush gentle nutrition. It's part of the dieting mini series. So But somewhere between 28 and 33, we'll put it in the show notes. But yeah, you can't rush it. And that's why I always say you have to stay committed to the process, not the outcome.

Because the process is being able to recalculate being able to kind of course correct based on how you know how you're feeling and not based on the set of rules. So I agree 100%. So, Melissa, it's time for the question. What do you think is the missing ingredient in midlife?

Melissa 30:27
Okay, I gave this some thought. And only because I've cheated and only listened to every single podcasts that I know that this is the question. And this is probably not that original. But I was really happy with what I came up with. And mine is living in the moment.

Because I look at myself, I struggled with that all my life, either I'm worried about the past or worried about the future. I'm never in the moment. And I think in midlife, we need to be in the moment. Now. It's struggle to live in the moment when you're wanting that golden ticket of being postmenopausal to happen. But I was really studying hard this week about it.

And you know, each step I'm taking to get to that is meaning something to myself, internally and externally in my body. So I just need to be in the moment, except the moment as it is and just keep go keep on going. So live in the moment.

Jenn Salib Huber 31:21
It's perfect. And I think you might be the first person to have said that, actually.

Melissa 31:26
I hope so. I kind of went back. I'm not lying. I did a little homework, but I don't ever remember hearing that. If I did. I missed it. But it's not it. We share it all. And we all mean well. So

Jenn Salib Huber 31:37
and whenever we did it when they're repeated, it just means that they they need repeating. Right. So yeah. Thank you so much for taking the time and sharing your story. And I'm sure that your story will help others who will relate to many parts of it, I'm sure.

Melissa 31:54
I sure hope so. And it's been a joy. Thank you so much.

Jenn Salib Huber 31:58
Thanks for tuning in to this week's episode of the midlife feast. For more non diet health hormone and general midlife support. Click the link in the show notes to learn how you can work and learn from me. And if you enjoyed this episode and found it helpful, please consider leaving a review or subscribing because it helps other women just like you find us and feel supported in midlife.