The Midlife Feast
The Midlife Feast
#132 - Why You Need to Put Capacity, Self-Compassion, & Self-Care on the Menu
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Navigating your nutrition goals during menopause can be tough any month of the year, and especially around the holidays. But what if you could approach this season with a non-diet mindset focused on balance instead of burnout? Today I want to share practical tips for managing your physical, mental, and emotional needs so you can stay as nourished, satisfied, and present as possible.
We’ll focus on why becoming an expert in recognizing your capacity and practicing self-care and self-compassion needs to be your top priority right now. With strategies like the 3-2-1 method, you can anticipate your needs without the all-or-nothing mindset.
During this season, attunement disruptors run wild, but I want you to resist the urge to say “screw it” until January 1st. There’s a better way and I’ll break it all down for you!
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Looking for more about midlife, menopause nutrition, and intuitive eating? Click here to grab one of my free guides and learn what I've got "on the menu" including my 1:1 and group programs. https://www.menopausenutritionist.ca/links
Hi and welcome to the Midlife Feast, the podcast for women who are hungry for more in this season of life. I'm your host, Dr. Jenn Salib-Huber. I'm an intuitive eating dietitian and naturopathic doctor and I help women manage menopause without dieting and food rules. Come to my table, listen and learn from me trusted guest experts in women's health and interviews with women just like you. Each episode brings to the table juicy conversations designed to help you feast on midlife. And if you're looking for more information about menopause, nutrition and intuitive eating, check out the midlife feast community, my monthly membership that combines my no nonsense approach that you all love to nutrition with community, so that you can learn from me and others who can relate to the cheers and challenges of midlife.
Jenn Salib Huber:I've lost count of the number of people who have said to me over the years I know what I should be doing. I have all the tools, all the books, all the plans. I just can't figure out why I can't follow through. I can't figure out why I don't do the thing that I know I should be doing and maybe have even done in the past and felt good about it. And one of the things that I want to talk about today actually three things is going to answer that question for you. Today we're talking about capacity, compassion and self-care, and you've probably heard me and other people talking about these terms before, but I want to lay them out for you in a framework that helps you to understand why some days you can do things, some days you can't, and beating yourself up is never going to help you. It's never going to motivate you to do more of the things that you want to do. But this is also timely because, as I'm recording this, we are inching quickly but closely to the very busy month of December, and so, depending on where you are in the world, this busy holiday season may be starting even as early as kind of mid-November next week, or you may kind of have a December 1st start to your crazy season. But this typically is a season when it feels like we're more likely to end the month feeling less balanced than when we started, and last year, in the midlife feast community, we set a mission for December to focus on self care so that we could have a plan to end the month feeling good, feeling not harried and completely burnt out and exhausted, and feeling like we have nothing left to give. So, all that being said, at the end of this episode, I'm going to share some practical strategies with you so that you can start to implement some of these if it feels like they might help you.
Jenn Salib Huber:And one of the reasons why I'm talking about this is because in December, we are talking about self-care. In December, we are talking about self care, but we're also talking about satisfaction. So that is kind of our theme for December is self care and satisfaction, and I want to show you how thinking of food and nourishment as not only pleasurable, but self care can help, I think, in that goal setting process. So the diet mentality has overcomplicated goal setting. It's like here's the thing that you should do, here's the here's how you do it, here are the 10 steps. Just go ahead and do it.
Jenn Salib Huber:But as we start talking about capacity, which is the first thing that I want to talk about, we have to remember that capacity is our willpower. It doesn't matter how much you want something if you don't have the capacity for it physical, mental, emotional, even environmental capacity, meaning like the space that you're in. If we don't have the capacity for it, following through or just follow through of any part of it is going to feel really challenging. So let's dive in and talk about capacity. So I like to visualize things because it helps me to understand them, and so I visualize capacity like a power bank that you would have for your phone or your device. So there are things that you can charge it up, so plugging it in to another power source, so kind of to extend that to humans. It's that might be going to extend that to humans that might be going to sleep charges your battery, that might be getting help from other people. But we have this finite resource of capacity that is regularly kind of drained and charged. And if you have a lot of people, things, obligations that reserve your capacity I'm thinking children I used to call mine barnacles. I even had a blog at one point when they were born that had barnacles in the title, because it just felt like the minute my feet hit the floor as much as I love them, it was just this like suck. And I also had three kids under three for a while, so they really were a lot. But you know, we have things in our life whether these are people, pets, other family members, jobs, whatever it is we have things that kind of claim some of our capacity.
Jenn Salib Huber:So the thing about capacity is that if you are in a low capacity day so you haven't slept well, maybe you have a lot of things happening at work. So your physical capacity is low because you haven't slept well. Your mental capacity is low because you have a mile long to-do list. Your emotional capacity is low because you had a argument with your partner or you're worried about your family member. It's going to be really difficult for you to think okay, here's this nutrition goal that I'm working on. I want to put more plants on my plate, I want to have more fiber. How am I going to do that? And so decision fatigue is a thing that we've talked about before and is a really it's a real factor in capacity, because it's kind of like running Spotify and Google Maps at the same time while browsing your phone. So if you already have a lot of things draining your battery and you try and add something else on top of it, it's just going to zap you.
Jenn Salib Huber:So often what I hear from people and I've been in this place in my life before too when you're in that I know what I should be doing, but I have absolutely no capacity to do it, or I just can't, I can't even think of the next step. When we're in that low capacity, we can't try and force it. We can't say, well, I should know better, I should be doing this. Isn't food and nutrition and movement and all these things? Isn't that the most important thing that I can do? Shouldn't I prioritize that? But prioritizing requires capacity as well. That's the decision fatigue piece of making the decision. What is most important? Why is it most important? How am I going to address that?
Jenn Salib Huber:So when I talk about capacity in my conversations with people, I often start with like scale of one to 10, where's your capacity at today? And that just gives you a ballpark of okay, this is where I'm at. I'm low, medium or high. You don't have to put a number on it, just even kind of thinking compared to times when I have felt more able to do these things. Where am I at? Because if you're in a low capacity state, your decisions have to also match that. So if you have decided that you're going to try and get 3000 grams of protein, nobody needs to do that. But if you've decided that, like, protein is your thing and fiber is your thing and more plants are your thing, but you're not taking into account your capacity.
Jenn Salib Huber:It's going to be challenging to follow through on that and you're going to feel like you're doing it wrong and you're going to feel like you're failing and you're going to be challenging to follow through on that and you're going to feel like you're doing it wrong and you're going to feel like you're failing and you're going to feel like why can't I do this? I know what I should do, which is kind of what I started with at the beginning of this episode, because I want you to know that if you have felt that way, there is nothing wrong with you. You are just in a low capacity state, for whatever reason, which is where the self-compassion comes in, because I think it's easy to say like oh yeah, I was. You know, I had a lot on my plate, I had a lot going on. It was really hard, for whatever reason. But if you can't view that through a self-compassionate lens, then you are not helping your capacity, you are not increasing your capacity. You are draining it even more, because when we feel guilty, ashamed, disappointed in ourselves, feel like we failed yet again and why can't I do this? That also takes up capacity. That is another capacity suck.
Jenn Salib Huber:So being able to just accept with some self-compassion that, for whatever reason, today, this week, this month, this year is low capacity, what is the next thing that I can access? What is one thing that I can do that might move me closer to how I want to feel? And you know, self-compassion is, I think, a tool that every area of our life can benefit from. I'm a really big believer in we are all doing the best we can most of the time. I don't know anybody who sets out a goal to half-ass it, although I do love lowering the bar. So maybe that's one of my new goals. But I think everybody is trying to do their best, but we can't control all the things that drain on our capacity. So when we're thinking about, okay, so I have this capacity assessment happening in my life, and on low capacity days I need to not beat myself up. I just need to accept with self-compassion that it is what it is and what's one thing that I can access that is adequate to meet needs that will help me move closer to where I'm trying to go.
Jenn Salib Huber:So I don't necessarily love the word goals. I like intentions, because I think intentions already have this built in buffer for keeping us out of the all or nothing gutter where it's like I've either achieved my goal or I haven't, and intention is I'm just going to keep moving towards it, understanding and knowing that I'm going to trip and stumble and fall. But we can also think about food as nourishing more than just our nutrition needs. So if we welcome the pleasure of eating and maybe we're in a low capacity day because we've just had a really crappy week and we've just had a lot of attunement, disruptors and people and all those things then food can be one of the things that is actually adding to your capacity, not just physically but also mentally and emotionally. So we have to be able to see, though, through that self-compassionate lens, that this is just is what it is.
Jenn Salib Huber:I was talking to somebody this week about she works shift work and she gets home at seven o'clock on one of her shifts and then has to start a shift the next morning really early, and we were talking about which meals and meal times are most challenging and she said, oh, it's that coming home at seven o'clock and then getting up the next day, you know, supper and breakfast really kind of tends to fall apart and there was a little bit of you know, kind of self-reproach in there, kind of like, oh, I keep trying but I just can't, you know, figure it out, I can't make it work. And even just introducing that anybody would find it hard to have lots of capacity for meal planning and prep at seven, eight o'clock and then get up and do it again the next day. So we can forecast that, which is one of the things we're going to talk about in the end. We can forecast that and then add in a few things with self-care and self-compassion in mind. But let's flip it. Let's say you have a high capacity day. So let's say that this is a day where you wake up and you've slept well, you know all the stars aligned and you wake up and you have lots of energy. Maybe on that day you do some meal planning or prep that will serve you in the days when you're lower capacity.
Jenn Salib Huber:So I love thinking about food as not only something that nourishes us nutritionally and physically but can also nourish, I guess, our soul. And I think we all know that food is more than just food. You know, we celebrate with food. When somebody has a baby, we bring them food. When somebody dies, we bring them food when we're having a birthday or an anniversary, we celebrate with food. Somebody dies, we bring them food. When we're having a birthday or an anniversary, we celebrate with food.
Jenn Salib Huber:So food nourishes us and can absolutely add to your capacity, including some of the things that you might think of, as you know, kind of nutrition. So, for example, trying to build a balanced plate that matches your capacity so meaning you have protein, carbohydrates and fat on the plate is self-care. So is putting a pizza in the oven, so is having a bowl of cereal for supper, if that's where your capacity is at, so we can think about I need to eat. It needs to be adequate, it doesn't need to be perfect, but if I have some capacity to build in some balance in a way that's going to be more filling and maybe satisfying, then it's absolutely self-care and adds to your capacity. And I think sometimes we get lost in the discussion about self-care as thinking that it's how, that we need to prioritize it, because the word prioritize I think it's overused, especially when we're talking about what you know we need to do to take care of ourselves, that we need to prioritize self-care, that it's not a luxury, and so we're if we're not being careful about how we use that language. It is not going to be adding to anyone's capacity. So self-care simply means to me and I'm sure everyone has a slightly different definition, but you know, self-care is putting my needs on par with everyone else's so that I'm not always at the back. I like to say that it's how I put my oxygen mask on first. So you know, I start most days with a bit of a self-reflection Where's my capacity at mentally, physically, emotionally, and what do I need today? And this is an important practice where you can attune, you can become attuned which is one of the things we work on in intuitive eating to things like capacity, not just hunger and fullness.
Jenn Salib Huber:And I'll give you another example. So as I'm recording this, my husband is on week one not even through the first week, but week one of a three week work trip, and it's in November. We are, like I said, barreling towards December and when he's home we typically share, you know, close to 5050 of the meal responsibilities in our house. So before he left he said what can I do to help? And we don't have a lot of freezer space, we don't have a lot of fridge space because small Dutch kitchen. But what I said was hey, can you stop at Ikea on your way home one night and pick up three bags of meatballs?
Jenn Salib Huber:Because on low capacity days, knowing that those meatballs are in the freezer, that I can throw them in the oven, that I can put together a meal that is reasonably balanced, meaning there's protein, you know, we can have mashed potatoes or whatever other kind of starch or carbohydrate. We can just do like cut up veggies, whatever. I can have that on the table easily. It's even something my kids could cook and we usually have lots of leftovers from it. So that is kind of how I anticipated or forecasted which we're going to talk about in a second that I was going to have some low capacity days and what could I add in that would make those days easier. And knowing that I was going to feel more relaxed I was going to be able to just relax with my kids in the evening and not be kind of stressing about food was my why I wanted to plan as much downtime, relaxation as I can, solo parenting for three weeks. So that's just some of the ways that I like to think about capacity, self-compassion and self-care as being part of this trio, this framework that you can use to still move forward with your goals.
Jenn Salib Huber:So we tend to get caught up in all or nothing thinking. The diet mentality tells us that we're either doing it perfectly or not at all and that there's only one way to do it. And if we can't do it that one way, that there's something wrong with us. And that's just not true. It's not true and it's not real life and it is not helping anyone. So if you do have gentle nutrition goals you are trying to improve your health or how you feel in your body or your relationship with food.
Jenn Salib Huber:Try asking yourself first where's my capacity at? And if you're in a low capacity period of your life, trying to see that and accept that with self-compassion instead of beating yourself up for it, and then trying to think of food as a self-care tool so not necessarily self-improvement, because that can be very different than self-care. But really, how can I make a decision about my next meal, the next thing I'm going to eat, with self-care in mind? That matches where my capacity is at, because without self-compassion we just pile on and that just never feels good. It feels, you know, it's defeating and I like to say that you know shame is a terrible motivator. It motivates no one to do anything. The only thing it motivates us to do is to hide. So wear your low capacity badge, ask for help, and just know that everybody has low capacity days when they need it. So I want to give you some practical suggestions. So, as I said, it's November, we're heading into December, and I know that this can be a challenging time, especially with rhythms and routines, as I like to call it, because we have all kinds of things thrown in that disrupt those rhythms and routines. So how can you think about capacity, self-compassion, self-care? So I shared the example about Ikea, and you know that is a great way to think about forecasting as well.
Jenn Salib Huber:So let's actually dive into forecasting. I'm a little all over the place today, but forecasting is my preferred word over planning. So if we're planning something, I think of steps. I think of this step, then that step, then that step. It's like a to-do list and the goal is to do them all, probably in that order. And if you don't do them all, it feels like you've done something wrong, or maybe that's how you get stuck in the all or nothing thinking. It's like well, I skipped step three, four and five, so am I even really doing it.
Jenn Salib Huber:Forecasting, though, is about anticipating your needs, so forecasting might be I'm going to look ahead to this week. Am I going to have some low capacity days or meals, am I going to have some high capacity days or meals? And being able to then match kind of your intentions with your capacity, based on your forecasting, allows for, I think, a more attuned plan. I guess even though I'm trying not to use that word, it's hard not to but thinking about forecasting. So we use something in the Midlife Feast called 3-2-1 forecasting, and it's just a little fun way of being able to forecast anticipated needs and meals, and it's a short-term forecast. So we're looking at, you know, 48, 72 hours. We're not looking at the week or the month. We're really trying to say what do I know with reasonable certainty in the next two to three days that is going to either add to my capacity or take away from my capacity, so you can think about forecasting instead of planning. Also, connect your kind of intentions or goals to your capacity and focus on how you want to feel, not how it's going to change how you look or how it's going to, you know, change the number on the scale. So things like making snacks ahead of time will reduce decision fatigue, which, like I said, is like running all the apps on your phone at the same time.
Jenn Salib Huber:You know, think about how can you build what I like to call a nutrition capsule wardrobe. So capsule wardrobes are designed to make the process of deciding what to wear, or, in this case, what to eat, easier, because you already know that it fits your life. You already know that it's going to meet whatever need you know thinking about. Like clothing, something in your capsule wardrobe might be versatile and you can wear in different temperatures. Maybe it's something that you know turns into a raincoat, or maybe it's something that has different color palettes, so you don't have to think about what you're mixing and matching it with. We do the same thing with a nutrition capsule wardrobe.
Jenn Salib Huber:So we're trying to add recipes, meals, to this wardrobe that are multi-purpose, multifunction, that meet everyone's needs, so that when you're in a low capacity state or you just want something easy and your go-tos, you're thinking, okay, yeah, I'm going to do this. So these might be types of meals. So, whether that's in an Instant Pot or a slow cooker, or a soup or things you can freeze or take out of the freezer or order whatever it is. You're just trying to build this capsule wardrobe of ideas so that you don't have to think about it all the time, because we want to avoid thinking, because that's a big drain on our batteries and instead of focusing on the end goal and because that's I think I think we're hardwired to do that in some ways we're certainly taught that you know, keep your eye on the prize, focus on the goal. In low capacity times that is going to feel like climbing Mount Everest and nobody needs that.
Jenn Salib Huber:So, instead of trying to think about your end goal, maybe it's what's the one closest thing that will move you closer. So I'm going to use fiber as an example, because oftentimes that's a goal that people come into the midlife feast with. Is I'm trying to learn about fiber, I'm trying to learn about soy or I'm trying to learn about protein, and initially there's that excitement and they just want all the things and all the recipes. But think about what can you add to your plate at your next meal that will honor that intention? So if it's fiber, maybe that's adding a plant to your plate. If it's adding more protein, maybe it's sprinkling some nuts and seeds on whatever you're having, or maybe it's adding you know another source of protein, you know like leftover meat or whatever it is.
Jenn Salib Huber:Instead of thinking like am I going to get to my goal of the day of the week, am I going to achieve the outcome that I hope this thing is going to do for me? Bring it back to what decision can I make at my next meal? That is the self-compassion, that is the self-care. That is how you still honor your intentions. That is how you still make goals or intentions even when you're low capacity, but you do it in a flexible and forgiving way. That is keeping you out of the diet mentality and still leaving you feeling like you're moving forward, regardless of how slow it feels like you're going. So I hope that this kind of discussion about compassion and capacity and self-care is helpful as we head into this holiday season.
Jenn Salib Huber:If you're looking for more support, I would love to support you, along with other feasters in the community. We have a great month of things lined up and we'll be getting started in early December, but if you join now or anytime, we have lots of resources that are already ready and waiting for you, including resources to teach you my 3-2-1 method that I was talking about earlier, about forecasting how to build a gentle nutrition capsule wardrobe and other ways that you can honor your health and your nutrition with self care in mind. Thanks for joining. Thanks for tuning in to this week's episode of the midlife feast For more non diet, health, hormone and general midlife support. Click the link in the show notes to learn how you can work and learn from me. And if you enjoyed this episode and found it helpful, please consider leaving a review or subscribing, because it helps other women just like you find us and feel supported in midlife.
