The Midlife Feast

#177 - Reclaiming ‘Selfish’ as a Midlife & Menopause Power Move with Suzy Reading

• Jenn Salib Huber RD ND • Season 6 • Episode 177

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If the word “selfish” still triggers guilt for you, this episode is the permission slip you didn’t know you needed. I’m joined by the ever-wise Suzy Reading to explore why so many of us in midlife struggle to receive support, set boundaries, and prioritize our own needs — even when we know better.

We unpack the deep roots of people-pleasing, the pressure to be endlessly self-reliant, and how we can start to reclaim selfish as something powerful, not shameful. If you’ve been doing all the “right” self-care things and still feel depleted, this conversation will help you connect the dots — and offer a new, more compassionate way forward.

Learn more about Suzy Reading and her new book How To Be Selfish here: https://www.suzyreading.co.uk/

Did you enjoy this episode?

#58 - Rest to Reset - Redefining Self-Care with Suzy Reading

#132 - Why You Need to Put Capacity, Self-Compassion, & Self-Care on the Menu

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Jenn Salib Huber:

Welcome to the Midlife Feast, the podcast that helps you make sense of your body, your health, and menopause in the messy middle of midlife. I'm Dr. Jen n Salib Huber, intuitive eating dietitian and naturopathic doctor, and author of Eat to Thrive During Menopause. Around here, we don't see midlife and menopause as problems to solve, but as invitations to live with more freedom, trust, and joy. Each week, you'll hear real conversations and practical strategies to help you feel like yourself again, eat without guilt, and turn midlife from a season of survival into a season of thriving. I'm so glad you're here. Let's dig in. How do you feel about the words selfish? I used to say that I was being selfish if I was taking time for myself instead of spending it with my kids, or that I was being selfish for wanting to go to bed early, or all kinds of things I would say that was selfish. And I've certainly been on the receiving end of people saying that sounds selfish or talking about other people. She or he is so selfish to think that or do that. But my guest today is Suzy Reading, and she's written a book and she wants to change how you think about selfish. In fact, she wants to teach you how to be selfish. So Suzy's been on the podcast before. She is not a first-time author. She is one of my favorite people in social media that keeps me grounded with her beautiful, wonderful self-care advice. And this conversation is no different. We dig in quickly to what it means to be selfish and why we need to take that word back. So have a listen and let me know what you think. Hi, Suzy. Welcome back to the Midlife Feast. Hi, Jen. Always a joy to be in your company, darling. Thanks for having me. So you were on the podcast three years ago, if you can believe it, and we had a beautiful discussion about self-care and all of the ways in which self-care is maybe misunderstood. Um, you know, how we set the bar either really high or maybe kind of miss the ballpark altogether when it comes to what self-care actually is. But we're now in 2026 and the self-care discussion is changing a little bit. It's evolved. And I'd love to hear, or at least that's what it seems like to me. And I would I would love to hear your take on that.

Suzy Reading:

I'm excited to dive into this with you, Jen, because I really do feel like there's an opportunity to broaden this conversation. I think we've been invited time and time again to fill our own cup. We've got the message loud and clear that it's all right for us to nurture and nourish ourselves. But I want to turn the conversation to us receiving, especially in midlife where we are squeezed left, right, and center. And I think there's so many of us, we're very diligent with healthy habits. We're taking really good care of ourselves, and yet we are still frazzled, fried, and full up. And the missing piece is us receiving love and care. The same love and care that we diligently give left, right, and center to other people. We need to, we need to receive that too as human beings.

Jenn Salib Huber:

Why is that so hard? Why you like if you think about, you know, it's so easy to give, you know, in so many ways, especially to people that we care about. Why is it so hard to receive? I and I've struck and I I love how that you're bringing this up because I've really struggled with that too, even just receiving help. You know, it's like this, I don't know. I have thoughts, but I want to hear your thoughts. Why is it so hard?

Speaker:

It took me about two years to be able to answer this question. And Jen, I I needed a hundred thousand to really dive into it in how to be selfish. Um, but in a nutshell, I think it's how we rear how we were reared as children. So for example, a good baby is one that doesn't cry, doesn't trouble its parents. Easy. Yeah. A good child is one that doesn't talk back to adults. You know, and I'm gonna put my hand up and say, as a as a as a near 50-year-old, as a mum of two, I certainly don't get it right all the time. I don't see everything. So if we're, as children, conditioned to believe that our worth is contingent upon how convenient, compliant, obedient we are, how how little we how little noise and space we take up, how does that make us feel about our right to have needs and our right to express feelings, just as human beings? Yeah. Doesn't sit very comfortably, does it?

Jenn Salib Huber:

No, it doesn't sit really comfortably. And I mean, I think a lot of it too is that the wrapped up in people pleasing. Right. And, you know, needing, I guess, to feel like if we were good enough, we wouldn't need help.

Speaker:

You've said it. Exactly. It's we're just striving to be this good human being. And I think when we take a look at the gender conditioning that's then heaped on top of how we're reared as humans, well, what does it mean to be a good woman? A good woman is one who is selfless, is never selfish, isn't angry, is that calm, safe place who uh endlessly tends to the needs of others before she can even take a look inwards. Yeah. So there's this uh hyper responsibility. You know, we we can only be okay if everyone else around us is okay. But I think there are some more modern themes that can really help us understand why we're so phobic of being seen as selfish. And and and selfish is largely, you know, it's it's not just prioritizing self. We feel selfish if we're burdening others. We feel selfish if we're sharing of ourselves with others, you know, because everyone else has got their own stuff going on. So keep it to yourself, be self-reliant. So this is where the hyper-independence piece comes in. And I think it's because our understanding of resilience has got really skewed. I think most people would conceptualize resilience as, you know, I I can keep going, I can keep pushing, you know, I'm immune, I'm unaffected by life, but that's not resilience. Resilience is we get back up. It doesn't mean that you haven't been knocked for six in the first place.

Jenn Salib Huber:

So there's no fault in failing, really. Like not failing as in like you've failed, but just as in there's no fault in falling down.

Speaker:

Or there's no fault in the Jim, let's take it bigger than that. There is no fault in failing at what's humanly impossible, right? We cannot be selfless, uh self-reliant and resilient. It just you cannot have all of these things. Because to be a resilient human being, you need uh let's this is my little daily uh needs. Adequate nutrition, decent hydration, I need to move my body, I need time in nature, I need rest, I need fun, I need social expression, social connection. Like, but if if you can't be selfish, well then you can't do any of those things that are required. And we also need to receive love and support. But if you're meant to be self-sufficient, like so can we hold all of this nonsense up to the light and say, well, yeah, let's fail. Because it's not humanly possible to be all of these things to all people all the time and to meet these social norms. So there we go.

Jenn Salib Huber:

And I think that that is such an important point. And, you know, one of the one of the things that I like to talk about is how a human body is a changing body. And you haven't done something wrong if your body has changed at any age, but most relevant to my audience is, you know, in perimenopause and menopause. Because that's just what human bodies do, which is, you know, really to your point about like we're human and we have needs, and it's not selfish to feel like those needs need to be a priority. Absolutely. Something you you reminded me of something. So two years ago, maybe three now, I had surgery, I had a complicated meniscus repair done on one of my knees. And I was going to be non-weight bearing on crutches for six weeks. The first two weeks, I really had to essentially be in bed because if I had any weight bearing on the knee, it was gonna essentially kind of undo the fix. And for the better part of six weeks leading up to the surgery, I was feeling so anxious about everyone else in my family. And and I remember having a session with my therapist and say, you know, and telling her about how much anxiety I had about what the mornings were going to be like and how chaotic it was gonna be. And I was really putting myself in everyone else's position and how uncomfortable they were going to feel. And she said something that really stuck with me. And she said, But isn't it a great opportunity for your kids to learn to take care of someone? And it just stopped me in my tracks because I thought, of course it is. That's what, you know, that's what humans do. We take care of each other. And I was so worried about taking care of them, I wasn't thinking about giving them the chance to take care of me and receiving that, you know? So, and I just remembered that. So thank you for that memory. That you had nothing to do with that now we're connected to.

Speaker:

Yeah. And you know what? It reminds me of a very similar conversation I had with my therapist. And the question that she asked me is what does your capability cost you? But I think we can tag onto that by virtue of your experiences is what is what does our capability cost other people? You know?

Jenn Salib Huber:

Yeah.

Speaker:

Let's let's consider that.

Jenn Salib Huber:

So this conversation about, you know, having needs that need to be met brings up this idea of boundaries, which I feel like is a very closely related subject when we're talking about protecting the space and the time and the energy and the capacity. But boundaries are hard sometimes. How do how do they relate to self-care? How do you connect them?

Speaker:

Okay. So I think boundaries is interesting. What when we're thinking about boundaries, people most commonly think about, well, I need this in relationship with other people. But I would suggest that we also have boundaries with self. And I think it would be very hard for us to be boundary with other with other people if we're not actually boundaried with ourself. And obviously, I think self-care is an expression of those boundaries. So I I think self-care is the these are the loving commitments I make to myself. This is what I need to be safe and in a safe and healthy relationship with myself. And when we get granular, they take the form of either promises to self or commitments to self in terms of so, for example, I will only speak to myself with dignity and respect. I'll still have shitty thoughts because I don't choose those. It's really important that we make that distinction, but I will respond to those thoughts in a way that is supportive and encouraging because I've learnt that if I do anything but, yeah, I'm I'm just gonna wind up down here. It serves, it serves no purpose, constructive purpose at all. Okay, so that's that's a promise to self. But self-care comes in the form of, well, for me to be able to have this conversation with you and hopefully string some words together, I need to go to bed at 10 o'clock the night before, right? So I've got my sleep. I need to go for a walk in the morning, I need to move, you know, move my body. So this this is this is the relationship between self-care and boundaries with self. It's it's the scaffolding that we need in our day to be able to show up as we aspire to.

Jenn Salib Huber:

Yeah, boundaries to self. I think that's a really um, I think that might be a new concept for people who are listening. Cause you're right, we do tend to think about boundaries as keeping other people out of our emotional, you know, space, internal space. But it's also about protecting our space and our needs. And yeah, going to bed is a big one. Uh, that's really been one of my boundaries, is like, and you know, unless I absolutely have to, my butt is in bed shortly after 10 because I need the time to wind down. I need the time to myself in order for me to get a good sleep. Yeah. Um, you know, I think a lot of conversations that I have around self-care when we'll say, Oh, I'm doing all the things, I'm doing, you know, I'm going to bed early, I'm doing all that kind of stuff. Do you feel like self-care is still misunderstood in 2026 about what it actually is?

Speaker:

Yeah. Yeah. And I really want to fight for the term as well, because I hear people saying, Oh, it's been co-opted by big brands and people don't understand it and it's been bastardized. So let's call it something else. Let's call it energy management. And I'm like, no, I want self-is important. Self has been demonized. Self is not dirty. And yet, even when we say the word self, there's something shame-inducing about it. So I feel very passionately about reclaiming the term self-care and understanding that self-care is essentially this is how we meet our own needs, this is how we validate our feelings, but self-care alone is not enough. We also need our needs to be met by other people and we need to be witnessed and validated and comforted by other people. Now, our boundaries are how we can go about uh interacting and and creating that exchange and finding true reciprocity and knowing, you know, who our safe people are. Like, you know, there are some people where we will have the most beautiful emotional intimacy with. And there will be other people that, you know what, you play tennis with them. Or you go and see a film with them. And it's not like you put them in the friend bin, but it's just we acknowledge that different people have different skills and strengths, and we come together in different ways, and that's okay. But our boundaries will help us work out who we do, what with and when, you know? Yeah.

Jenn Salib Huber:

And I I'd like to I'd like to kind of transition to talking about the purpose of self-care. And I think of it as putting on my oxygen mask first so that I am able to regulate myself and be emotionally regulated in the, you know, in the most accessible way, so that I can show up as the best version of myself. Um, you know, and I think that that is, I think that it's easy to say. And I think it's even easy for people to understand or see. But what does that look like when we're emotionally regulated, when we prioritize self-care so that we can be emotionally regulated, how does that change our experience day to day? How does that change living our lives?

Speaker:

Okay. So I think it gives us access to the things that we hold dear. So generally, if we think about what are we aspiring to when when we set out to be this selfless woman, which we know we cannot be because selflessness means constant self-denial. And we know where that leads us, right? Depletion, overwhelm, resentment. We've been there. We don't want to be there anymore. But what selflessness is in service of is things like I want to be patient, I want to be available, I want to be loving, I want to be present, I want to be caring, kind, generous, all of these things. Now that this is this is why I care for self. This is why I meet my needs. And I think of self-care as this is how we resource ourselves. So the question is if you want to be, whatever quality it is, if you want to be present, patient, calm, what do you need to be that version of self? And and that's what our self-care needs to be, or that's what we need to receive from others.

Jenn Salib Huber:

Can you share some examples of, I don't want to say bad self-care, but maybe bad examples of self-care. Um, you know, Bert, just to kind of give some context. So sometimes people will say to me, I'm putting self-care on my menu this year. I'm getting up every morning and going to the gym at six o'clock, or I'm not buying lunch anymore at work. And and I feel like it it does feel the intention is is rooted in self-care, but the action is rooted in discipline.

Speaker:

Yes, or performance, or being perfect, or so that the true act of self-care has your best interests at heart. And I think the difficult thing with with boundaries with self, the difficult thing about meeting our needs is that our needs are ever changing. So on one morning, when you say to yourself, I've got that commitment with self, I go to the gym at six o'clock every morning. If you've had a good night's sleep, that is that is that's it's the it feels the right thing to follow through on that promise. If you have a cold, however, or if you've had a disturbed night's sleep, actually, perhaps the thing that really meets your needs is letting yourself have a lie-in. So these hard and fast, very rigid um commitments to self, I think can sometimes, if they're not in service of what you need in this moment and also taking care of your future self, I think that's the other thing that makes it tricky. Because it's like, right, I might be able to muscle my way through this this morning, but what impact will that have on me at three o'clock this afternoon? Or how sustainable would that make the rest of my week? This is where we need to sort of zoom out and have a bit more of a conversation with ourselves. But I think any action where it's about being punitive, whether it's, you know, um shellacking ourselves with movement that's not really compassionate, we need to take a look. Whether it's really just another form of denial.

Jenn Salib Huber:

Yeah. Yeah. And capacity. You know, I think that's the capacity conversation, is the one that I have on repeat. We can have all the best intentions in the world, but unless we have someone else who is taking care of all the other responsibilities in our life, you know, if I had a personal chef and a 24-7 house cleaner and somebody who could do all the laundry, sure, I could probably do a lot of things differently, but I don't have the capacity for that. And neither would the return on that investment really pan out, I think, the way that I want it to. So tell us about your new book because you are an experienced author. Um, this is your fourth book. Jen Wichivoule, this is actually number 10. Oh my gosh, I was way off. Okay, so I have four. So I need to catch up on a few, but okay, so I want to hear, tell me about this book and why is this one different? What made number 10 number 10?

Speaker:

So having written nine titles on how we can take care of ourselves, I'm still having conversations with people why where they feel like, yeah, yeah, I really want to do this, but I still don't feel like it's okay. Right. So I needed to overcome that barrier. And I think we can honestly say having nine titles here, I know that I have offered practices and skills that don't take any time, any expense, any energy, things that really Require no personal freedom and still we feel like we can't do it. So the barrier here is this kind of pandemic of not enoughness that that I'm witnessing. And I'm I'm wondering whether you're witnessing that in your work as well, Jim. Oh my gosh, yes. Yeah.

Jenn Salib Huber:

Yeah. And that's a whole other conversation. But um I really do feel like the not enoughness has gotten louder in the last year.

Speaker:

I agree. Yeah. I agree. Yeah. And it just comes back to how we feel about our needs and our feelings. And if we feel shamed for having needs and feelings, well, this is where that fundamental lack of worth comes from. And I would suggest that we could even look back on our childhoods and say that was a very normal, happy childhood, and still come away feeling like I'm too much here. No, you're not too much. It's just that how human needs have been, you know, demonized. That's why so many people feel it. So I needed to write how to be selfish to help that population to kind of take it on board that it's okay to nurture self. But equally, for all of the women who are striving, who are who are doing really beautiful nurturing, who are compassionate with self, but still feeling like, no, no, I've I've got to shoulder my burden alone. I mustn't lean on others. You know, this whole feeling of it's not okay to receive. I wanted to take a look at how we could overcome that. So that's why this book is a deep dive. There are no no illustrations in this book. This is a real um exploration of our relationship with self and and and healing that rupture.

Jenn Salib Huber:

Well, this book is on my list, my TBR list for this year. It's next up, and I uh I can't wait to dive into it because I feel like we could all be a bit more selfish in 2026 for sure. Oh my goodness.

Speaker:

You know what? Self-ish. And and the the title is like like let's be really clear, Jen. How to be selfish. It's not how to be more selfish. Like this is written for people who couldn't be selfish if they tried. And so many conversations I have with women are when they when they chastise themselves for for being selfish, what they're doing isn't selfish. It's self-advocacy. It's it's it's turning turning someone down, it's saying no, or it's prioritizing rest, or it's uh being more open and transparent in relationship. None of those things are selfish. And and quite often, if we observed a friend engaging in those behaviors, we'd be thinking, oh, they're direct, they're forthright, they're courageous, and we'd, you know, be happy for them. And yet when we do those things, it's like so we we need to be having these conversations. And I hope that this book is going to encourage people to hold up to the light these beliefs that really do keep us stuck in self-abandonment.

Jenn Salib Huber:

Oh my gosh. Well, thank you for the work that you do. And thank you for everything that you put out there. And, you know, on Instagram, especially for anybody who doesn't follow you. I'm going to put the link to your Instagram handle because I love how I've now trained the algorithm that when I check in on Instagram, yours is the first thing that I see. And it's like this little lovely morning meditation from Suzy. So um I encourage anybody to follow you and to enjoy those little morning thoughts too. So thank you for sharing those.

Speaker:

I'm so glad my little love notes are landing for you too, Jen. Thank you.

Jenn Salib Huber:

They are. Okay. So if um people want to learn more, where can they learn more about you and find all 10 of your books?

Speaker:

Okay. Instagram is where I hang out the most. And that's where honestly, don't just stop at my post. Look at the comments. There are so many beautiful, kind exchanges in the comments. Come and hang out with me there. Um, and yep, there's there's a link in my bio to all of my different different books. And hopefully there'll be something that piques everyone's curiosity there.

Jenn Salib Huber:

Amazing. All right. Are you ready for the big question? What do you think is the missing ingredient in midlife?

Speaker:

I think receipt, receipt, allowing ourselves to receive. Now, whether that is our own tenderness, comfort, love, nurturing, or whether it's receiving that from others, please, please can we know that it's okay? Yeah. And it's necessary, not just for our health, but actually the health of our relationships.

Jenn Salib Huber:

Absolutely. I think that's a great reminder and a great place to end. Thank you so much for joining me today, Suzy. Such a pleasure, Jen. Thank you, my darling. Thanks for joining me for this episode of the Midlife Feast. If you're ready to take the next step towards thriving in midlife, head to menopause nutritionist.ca to learn more about my one-to-one and group coaching programs, free resources, and where to get your copy of Eat to Thrive during menopause. And if you've loved today's conversation and found it helpful, please share it with a friend who needs to hear this and leave a review wherever you listen to podcasts. It helps so many more people just like you find their way to food freedom and midlife confidence. Until next time, remember midlife is not the end of the story, it's the feast. Let's savor it together.

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Dr. Jenn Salib Huber RD ND

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